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Indian Jokes in English


Funny!

Нindu gods panteon

        The Information Technology Pantheon:
        =======================================
        Narada      : Data Transfer
        Brihaspati  : Chief Information Officer
        Chitragupta : Personnel Records
        Yama        : Reorganization Consultant
        Brahma      : Systems installation
        Vishnu      : Tech support
        Shiva       :  Power surge
        =======================================
        =======================================
        Ram         : Hardware Support
        Apsaras     : Downloadable Virus
        Devas       : Programmers
        Surya       : UNIX System Admin
        Lakshmi     : Mgr - Trading Systems
        Krishna     : Chief Technology Consultant
        Rakshasas   : In House Hackers
        =======================================

Funny!
Top 30 Signs you're a FOB
-------------------------

You have a nickname like Pinto, Bunty, Bunny, Dolly, or Penny. 

Your last name is longer than ten letters, i.e. Chandraprakash 
or Subramanian. 

You get high off butter chicken and/or mango frooti. 

Your gang's name is the Fob Squad or Fobby By Nature. 

Your gang's uniform is a Michael Jackson T-shirt with Rambo pants. 

Your top pick-up line is "Just have your mummy call my mummy baby, it 
isbeing all good." 

You use a whole bottle of hair gel whenever you leave the house. 

At clubs, you're overheard saying, "So what if my mummy picks out 
myclothes, you know this gear is fly baby!" 

(for guys) You wear tight-ass jeans. 

(for girls) You have to jack up your pants to get them tight. 

(for girls) You have a mustache. 

(for guys and girls) You are a pencil-bearded Malu. 

Your the captain and sole member of your school's cricket team. 

You play the sitar and/or tabla three hours everyday. 

You go to Rutgers University or the University of Maryland 
at CollegePark. 

You wear a turban, with a chin-strap. 

You're a fake DJ. 

You leave you're top three buttons undone to showoff your 
chest hairs and gold chains. 

People can smell your imitation Drakkar Noir from miles away. 

You play Aantakshri. 

You go on America Online to pick up guys or girls. 

You work at an Indian grocery store or jewelry store to meet girls. 

You got a nose-ring, watched "Kama Sutra," or smoke bedis in order 
to "keep it real." 

Trying to assimilate into American society, you changed your name 
to LeRoy Jenkins from Ramandeep Jitinder Sandhu Akash. 

You wear a kurta pajama at clubs. 

Anyone you don't like is a "bloody idiot" or a "bastard." 

You have posters of Salman Khan all over your room. 

You nod your head the same way for yes and no. 
You're favorite expression is "VOH!" 

Instead of saying something's the bomb, you say, 
"That was awesome "thing man!" 
		

Funny!
		Top 10 Rules of film-making in Bollywood:
    
    1) Two brothers separated in childhood will always grow up on
       different sides of the law. The law-breaker, however, will
       suddenly turn over a new leaf before the end, bash up the
       villain (who is the *real* bad guy), and be pardoned for all
       his sins before the last-scene family reunion. (This is 
       possible only if he has a heroine - see rule 2 below).
    
    2) If the number of heroes is not equal to the number of heroines,
       the excess heroes/heroines will a) die b) join the Red Cross 
       and take off to Switzerland before the end of the movie. 
  
    3) If there are 2 heroes in a movie, they will fight each other
       savegely for at least 5 minutes (10 if they are brothers).
    
    4) Any court scene will have the dialogue "Objection milord". If 
       it is said by the hero, or his lawyer, it will be sustained.
       Else, it will be overruled.
    
    5) The hero's sister will usually marry the hero's best friend
       (i.e. the second hero). Else, she will be raped by the villain
       within the 1st 30 minutes, and commit suicide.
    
    6) In a chase, the hero will *always* overtake the villain, 
       even on a bullock-cart, or on foot. 
    
    7) When the hero fires at the villain(s), he will never a) miss
       b) run out of bullets. When the villain fires at the hero, he
       will always miss (unless the hero is required to die, as in
       rule 2).
    
    8) Any fight sequence shall take place in the vicinity of a 
       stack of a) pots b) barrels c) glass bottles, which will
       be smashed to pieces.
    
    9) Any movie involving lost+found brothers will have a song
       sung by a) the brothers b) their blind mother (but of course,
       she has to be blind in order to regain her sight in the climax)
       c) the family dog/cat. The amazing thing is that these folks
       remember the song after 20 years in the movie, and you can't
       remember it 2 minutes after coming out of the theatre.
    
  10) Police inspectors (when not played by the hero) come in two 
        categories: 
            a) Scrupulously honest, probably the hero's father - killed 
               by the villain before the titles. 
            b) Honest, but always chasing the anti-hero (as in Rule 1), 
               saying "Tum kanoon se bach nahin sakte", only to pat him 
               in the back in reel 23. Usually, this inspector's daughter 
               is in love with the anti-hero.
            c) The corrupt inspector, (usually the *real* villain's 
               sidekick) unceremoniously knocked about by the hero(s)
               in the climax.

Funny!
Assumptions :
-------------
* there are only two classes in society. 1) Very rich and
    2) very poor. There is no middle class.

* All cities are located near a mountain or at least a hill to
  facilitate chasing of cars on dangerous tracks.

Stunt Statistics :
------------------
* All heroes have a training in martial arts and driving all
  kinds of vehicles (including horses).

* To make hero's task easier, villian chharu's generally approach
  him one by one.

* All fights tend to shift towards a place which is stacked with
  empty drums.

* If hero is being chased by villian(s) on foot, a bridge should
  be very near to the place with either a deep river underneath
  a railway line (with a train moving on it).

* Empty wine bottles are always within a hand's reach to be broken and
  used for assault by the villain.

* No known hero has ever got hit by such a bottle.

* Towards the end of a fight when the hero has almost over-powered
  the Main villian, the sub-villian always finds the heroine or
  hero's mother handy to hold her at gunpoint.

* Children and animals are generally found to be useful in such
  situations.

* Bullet rdden people always live to reveal incomplete identity of
  their murderer.

* If one car is chasing the other, one of them definately come across
  a hand-cart containing fruits (generally watermelons).

Story Statistics :

* As a rule of thumb, the hero has either his mother or father
  alive (or none of them - never both).

* Young hero with old Amma as his mother is not actually her son
  but is the abandoned son of some zamindar or daku or a wealthy
  person.

* If two heroes are brothers, one is bound to be a criminal and the
  other a lawyer or police inspector. Generally the younger one stands
  a better chance of becoming an educated fellow because the elder
  one has entered the world of crime to provide for his school/college
  fees.

* If a boy and girl are shown to meet in childhood, they meet again
  only after 12 years (mind well only one of them remembers).

* If heroine's parents are going for an arranged marriage, the boy
  selected, in 90% cases, is the villian.

* All honest factory owners have corrupt managers.

* All building contractors are lusty and have an eye for the heroine
  or hero's mother.

* Daughters of Village mukhiya's fall in love with people from city/town.

* Hero heroine's generally approach temples at night when there is heavy
  thunderstorm.

* If a hero is following heroine whose train has just left platform, by
  every chance, the heroine is standing behind him with her luggage.

* Heroines are generally found mopping floors when their fathers come to
  meet them in sasural.

* Towards the end of movie, actors come to realize their mistakes made
  in life in groups of 3-4 ("Nahi Maaji galti meri hi thi ..").


		

Funny!
A Sardarji finds himself in dire trouble.
His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble.
He's so desperate that he decides to ask Bhagwan for help.
He goes into the temple and begins to pray...........

"Oh Bhagwan, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't
get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me 
win the lotto".Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

The Sardarji goes back to the synagogue.....................
"Bhagwan, please let me win the lotto, I've  lost my business,
my house and I'm going to lose my car as well". Lotto night comes 
and the Sardarji still has no luck!!

Back to the temple..................
"My Bhagwan, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my 
house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often 
ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you.
Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can
get my life back in order???".

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the sky parts open
and the Sardarhi is confronted by the voice of the God: 
"SARDARJI, MEET  ME  HALF WAY  ON  THIS  ONE, BUY  A  DAMN  TICKET".

		

Funny!
A Pakistani tourist after a long walk in one of very fancy clean streets 
of Delhi found himself needing to urinate badly.  After a long search he 
could not find any place to you-know, and eventually couldn't control 
himself and chose a silent corner of a clean street to release himself.

As soon as he had just started you-know-what, a Delhi police official
approached him, "Hey, What do you think you're doing here?"

Pakistani tourist: "Sorry I have to Pee"

Police : "No PP here okay ? Follow me......"

The Police officer took him to a beautiful garden nearby with lots of
grass, flowers and singing birds around........

Police: "PP here..... and have a nice day".

Pakistani tourist : "Oh Sir, ....... that's very nice of you, is 
this Indian courtesy?"

Police: "No.......this is The Pakistani Embassy!"

		

Funny!
	
Three friends, a Hindu, a Muslim and a Sikh, all great
admirers of Bir Bajrang Bali were hotly arguing about what
community Hanumanji belonged to.  The Hindu was outraged by their claims:

"How could Hanuman possibly be a Muslim?" he demanded.
His Muslim friend replied: "We have Ahsan, Rehman, Sulaiman and many
other Muslim names ending with aan.  Hanuman could well have been
one such name."

"And you Sardarji," said the Hindu aggressively "Sikhism
came into being a thousand years after the Ramayana.  How can you
say Hanuman was a Sikh?"

"Quite clearly Hanuman was a Sikh," replied the Surd.
"Here we have someone who does not know the lady who has been
abducted, and he has no enmity towards the abductor.  Neverthless
he sets his own tail on fire and burns up not just the enemy's palace, but
a whole city.  Who else would do such a thing except a Sardar??!"

Funny!

Marwadi on his death bed...

Marwadi : "My dear wife, are you here?"

Wife : "Yes my dear, I am right here besides you"

Marwadi : "My dear Son Rаnku, are you here?"

Rаnku : "Yes papa, I am right here besides you"

Marwadi : "My dear daughter Pinky, are you here?"

Pinky : "Yes papa, I am right here besides you"

Marwadi : "My dear Brother Suraj Bhai, are you here?"

Suraj : "Yes Bhaiya, I am right here besides you"

Marwadi : "If everyone is here, then who the hell is at the shop?"


Funny!

Brazil last won the world cup in 1994.
Before that they won it in 1970.
Add 1970 and 1994, it equals 3964.

Argentina last won the world cup in 1986.
Before that they won it in 1978.
Add 1978 and 1986, it equals 3964.

Germany last won in 1990.
Before that they won in 1974.
Add 1990 and 1974, it equals 3964.

So going by this logic, the winner of the 2002 world cup
is the same as the 3964 - 2002 = 1962 world cup.
The 1962 world cup was won by Brazil.

Indian fans too have reason to rejoice :

India has never won the world cup so we'll probably win it
in the year 3964.


Funny!

How some Indian marriages start -- The awkward first phone call

The Scene: The Girl is a 23 year old investment banker working in New York. The Boy is doing his residency in Boston and was given her number by his mother, who is a friend of the Girl's aunt's brother-in-law's cousin's uncle's wife in Chicago.

Monday night, 10 pm

Girl: Hello?

Boy: (Shit, she's home!) Umm, hi! Is this ---?

Girl: Speaking.

Boy: My name is ---. I don't know if you know who I am- (God, what if she doesn't know who I am? I'll sound like a complete idiot.) Hell, I already sound like a complete idiot. I don't even know why I'm doing this!)

Girl: Oh, you live in Boston, right?

Boy: Yeah. (Ok, she was told about me, that's a fucking relief. I wonder what she was told - "He's a resident, tall, and fair, and he graduated from Ivy League school!" God, she probably hates me already!)

Girl: Yeah, my mother mentioned you had my number. (I can't believe he actually called!)

Boy: So, how are you? Oh yeah, that's real original, but what the hell else I am supposed to say- Umm, hi, I don't know you, but do you want to be wife?)

Girl: I'm fine. And you? (Ok, this is off to a great fucking start)

Boy: I'm good.(Ok, think, think!) So, I heard you're an investment banker? (Oh, that's a real winner. Now I can be a bad conversationalist and an idiot!)

Girl: Yes.

Boy: (Ok, she is not helping me at all!) Where do you work?

Girl: Merrill Lynch.

Boy: Hey, that's a great firm! (I sound like a complete moron. I should just hang up except my mother would somehow find out and kill me!)

Girl: Yeah, it's a nice place to work. (God, this guy sounds like a complete loser)

Boy: So...(Stall ,stall!)

Girl: So you're doing your residency in cardiology? (Like my mom didn't tell me that 500 times already!)

Boy: (Ok, I can handle this...) Yeah, I'm in my second year. (Alright, now say something else, but what do I say? Do you drink and have sex? Cause if you want to marry me, you can't be one of those goody goody South Asian girls who think if they kiss a guy they've practically gone all the way) So, what do you like to do in your free time?

Girl: (Umm... get wasted...) Oh, you know, hang out with my friends, go to movies.

Boy: Where do you like to hang out in NY?

Girl: (Shit, what am I supposed to say? This guy could be some religious freak! I can't say bars - I'll say clubs, you can go to clubs and not drink...) Oh, sometimes we go to the movies, or there's a couple clubs that are good... (That was good, I made it sound like I like clubs, but I'm not really into them...)

Boy: (Ok, she goes to clubs, that's a good sign. If she was really religious she wouldn't do that.) Yeah? I like to dance also.

Girl: (He likes to dance- that's a good sign. He can't be that stiff!) So where do you hang out in Boston?

Boy: (Should I say it- alright, I'll say it, what the hell!) Umm, the same, bars, clubs, stuff like that.

Girl: (He said bars! So he probably drinks. Good sign. I should explore this further...) Are there any good bars in Boston?

Boy: Yeah, there are some nice ones, I mean, I'm not a huge drinker, but I like having a good time. (Ok, that gives the impression of someone who enjoys drinking but is not an alcoholic - pretty good, if I do say so myself!)

Girl: (That sounds really positive. This guy sounds kind of cool. But if he's so cool why is he calling me? Shouldn't he have a girlfriend? Or not need to call random girls his mother tells him about? God, what if he's completely ugly? Or has never been kissed?) Yeah, me too. Although I hope my parents never find out.

Boy: Yeah. I know exactly what you mean. (I wonder if she's butt)

Girl: (Ok, so he didn't freak out at the living a double life reference- another good sign. I just wish I knew what he looked like...) So...

Boy: (Or she could be really fat with a huge mustache. Well, there's only one way to find out!) So, I know this sounds a little crazy, but I'm visiting some friends in NYC next weekend and I wonder if you'd want to get together for coffee sometime.

Girl: (Coffee. That's totally safe. If he's totally nasty I can have a quick espresso and run like hell!) Yeah, that sounds great.

Boy: (Alright that went pretty well. Coffee's pretty harmless. And who knows, maybe she'll be cool. Now I have to get the hell out of this conversation...) So I have your e-mail, should I just e-mail you soon and we can figure it out?

Girl: (E-mail is sooo much better than the phone. Thank God for e-mail!) Yeah, just e-mail, I check it all the time at work, so- (God, this is getting painful)

Boy: Alright, I'll e-mail you soon.(Meaning in two days cause I don't want to look too desperate, but at the same time I don't want to look like I'm trying not to look too desperate)

Girl: Cool. Well, I'm glad you called. (I think...)

Boy: Me too. Well, I'll see you soon.(Please be hot, please be hot!)

Girl: Alright. Bye. (I can't believe he called! Too late to back out now. Besides, maybe he's cool. He didn't sound so bad on the phone. I really hope he's not a virgin.)

Boy: Bye.(I did it! I am the man. I think she wants me. Yeah, she definitely wants me..... I hope she has nice breasts.....)

Smita Baliga


Funny!

The following item was extracted from travel section of UK daily newspaper.

Rules-of-the-road - Indian style
Travelling in India is an almost hallucinatory potion of sound, spectacle and experience. It is frequently heart-rending, sometimes hilarious, mostly exhilarating, always unforgettable - and, when you are on the roads, extremely dangerous.

Most Indian road users observe a version of the Highway Code based on a Sanskrit text. These 12 rules of the Indian road are published for the first time in English.

ARTICLE I
The assumption of immortality is required of all road users.

ARTICLE II
Indian traffic, like Indian society,is structured on a strict caste system. The following precedence must be accorded at all times. In descending order, give way to: cows, elephants, heavy trucks, buses, official cars, camels, light trucks, buffalo, Jeeps, ox-carts, private cars, motorcycles, scooters, auto-rickshaws, pigs, pedal rickshaws, goats, bicycles (goods- carrying), handcarts, bicycles (passenger-carrying), dogs, pedestrians.

ARTICLE III
All wheeled vehicles shall be driven in accordance with the maxim: to slow is to falter, to brake is to fail, to stop is defeat. This is the Indian drivers' mantra.

ARTICLE IV
Long blasts (desperate) denote supplication, ie to oncoming truck, "I am going too fast to stop, so unless you slow down we shall both die". In extreme cases this may be accompanied by flashing of headlights (frantic). Single blast (casual) means "I have seen someone out of India's 870 million whom I recognise", "There is a bird in the road (which at this speed could go through my windscreen)" or "I have not blown my horn for several minutes."
Trucks and buses (IV,2,a): All horn signals have the same meaning, viz, "I have an all-up weight of approximately 12.5 tons and have no intention of stopping, even if I could."
This signal may be emphasised by the use of headlamps (insouciant). Article IV remains subject to the provision of Order of Precedence in Article II above

ARTICLE V
All manoeuvres, use of horn and evasive action shall be left until the last possible moment.

ARTICLE VI
In the absence of seat belts (which there is), car occupants shall wear garlands of marigolds. These should be kept fastened at all times.

ARTICLE VII
Rights of way: Traffic entering a road from the left has priority. So has traffic from the right, and also traffic in the middle. Lane discipline (VII,1): All Indian traffic at all times and irrespective of direction of travel shall occupy the centre ofRoundabouts: India has no round abouts. Apparent traffic islands in the middle of crossroads have no traffic management function. Any other impression should be ignored.

ARTICLE IX
Overtaking is mandatory. Every moving vehicle is required to overtake every other moving vehicle, irrespective of whether it has just overtaken you. Overtaking should only be undertaken in suitable conditions, such as in the face of oncoming traffic, on blind bends, at junctions and in the middle of villages/city centres. No more than two inches should be allowed between your vehicle and the one you are passing - and one inch in the case of bicycles or pedestrians.

ARTICLE X
Nirvana may be obtained through the head-on crash.

ARTICLE XI
Reversing: no longer applicable since no vehicle in India has reverse gear.

ARTICLE XII
The 10th incarnation of God was as an articulated tanker

Allan McKellar


Funny!

Tourist guide to India

This guide has been hand-crafted from the finest electrons for your reading pleasure. "Why?" you ask? Er... supply grumble mumble demand. So here is the guide to my country, India.

India is known by various names, ranging from The Jewel In The Crown to The Land of Snake Charmers. However, most Indians would be surprised to hear either of these things, because they consider India as being the place in which they live, and which fits neither of these descriptions at all.

A famous guy whose name is not important (chiefly because I cannot rem- member it) once said in a weak moment, "Everything that you hear about India is true. The opposite is also true." What an idiot... Anyway, this probably may go a long way towards explaining why tourists in India (that includes YOU, stupid) usually feel like they do not know whether to laugh or to cry. Especially when the natives keep laughing at you most of the time.

Location

Unless it moved recently, India is located on the southern edge of Asia, which is rather neat because we are right next to the Indian ocean too. Would have confused people otherwise, I mean, imagine finding the Indian ocean there and seeing India somewhere on the other side of the world. Well, luckily for map-makers, that isn't the case unlike for instance, _a_certain_European_colonial_power_ _whom_we_shall_not_identify_by_name, who is not located anyhere near French Samoa.

How to get there

Getting there is half the fun, especially if you fly Air India (A.I.), the national airline. The domestic airline is Indian Airlines (I.A.), which is rather clever because they can re-use the same letters in the acronym. We heard recently that having picked up some knowledge about other alphabets, practically everyone and his brother is now starting up local airlines, such as Vayudoot, Damania and Megalomania.

The conventional way to enter the country is through one of the inter- national airports which are in Bombay, New Delhi, Calcutta and Madras. Most people who land there are headed somewhere else in India, which might make you wonder why the airports were set up there in the first place, but that's the way it is, and remember that you are just a measly tourist and who the heck are you to tell us where to put our airports anyway? And oh yeah, I was asked to welcome you, even if I thought you were a poor, sad excuse for a human as long as you were fool enough to give us your money. So, Welcome to India.

For the more adventurous minded tourist, there are other ways of entering the country, such as first going to Pakistan and crossing the border into Kashmir. Should you choose this route, the Pakistani government provides you (at no extra charge) with the latest in US Army surplus AK-47s as an incentive. (Offer good till supplies last. The Government of Pakistan reserves the right to substitute other weaponry without prior notice.) While this means you can get an all- expenses-paid to the Kashmir Valley, the catch is that it is very difficult to get travel insurance on this trip. Something to do with getting killed or something. I dunno.

You can choose to travel to Bangladesh first, which also provides free infiltration services, particularly into the Northeastern parts of India, but I hear that tourism is difficult in those regions. The natives in Northeastern India don't speak English anymore, since they have discovered that assault rifles are a more lucid way of getting the point across to dumbfucks illegally crossing over the border from Bangladesh. Besides, this way they don't have to worry about dangling participles and split infinitives, always a problem when you try to communicate in English. They are reported to ask questions later, a point which is of little comfort to anyone who's been shot first. Besides, you would first have to go to Bangladesh, and who wants to do that.

Finally, you could take the boat ride from Sri Lanka to India, but the catch is that you won't be able to see much of India because you will be sent back on the next boat to Sri Lanka. Not much of India you can see in an afternoon.

Indian hospitality

Foreign tourists are welcome in most parts of India, and are referred to as "gora firangi", which is Indian for "fat-assed foreign bastard with diarrhea and way too much money". Where does the diarrhea come into the picture? Well I'd rather not go into the details, you know well enough where it does. If you want to know where you got it from, I would say the water, or the food, or the air. Of course the real reason is that you are a wimpy foreigner whose stomach isn't strong enough to take care of itself, and we are just too damn polite to say so to your face. The least you could do is to quit whining. Thank you.

People

First of all, there are a lot of them. Get used to it. There are so many of them that India's primary contribution to the sociological spectrum is the mob. They come in various shapes and sizes, primarily in two sexes (stop sniggering, sex in this context means gender), and range from fair to dark. Most people of marriageable age can be identified easily because they turn a distinctive colour best described as "wheatish complexioned".

Indian names are difficult to pronounce, which is why most Indian kids have nicknames like Babloo. If you forget someone's name, I would advise you against referring to him as Whatsisface, simply because there may be some guy within earshot called Chandragupta Harshavardhana Whatsisface and he may think you are talking about him. If you have to, at least say Mr. Whatsisface, and pray that there isn't a woman around called Mrs. Whatsisface. Better still, keep your big mouth shut, but this may be impossible to do if you are an American tourist.

Among the millions of unknown and unimportant Indians are some well-known and unimportant ones, such as:

Amitabh Bachchan - Tall actor and alleged philanderer
Rajesh Khanna - alleged actor and wife-deserter
Dimple Kapadia - alleged actress and deserted-wife
Pooja Bedi - bimbo
Sunjay Dutt - alleged actor II and suspected terrorist
N. T. Ramarao - alleged regional actor and skilled cross-dresser
Ravi Shankar - sitar player who prefers to live in America
Zakir Hussain - hairy tabla player who prefers to live in California
Rajiv Gandhi - corrupt ex-Prime Minister I, Dead. Resting in Pieces.
V. P. Singh - crooked ex-Prime Minister II, Brain Dead.

This list has only included a few people. There are about nine hundred million more, so your chance of meeting any of the above in India is pretty slim. Still, we gave you a little background on them; just in case you ran across one of them so you wouldn't look like a darned fool. Probably too late for that, but at least now it won't be our fault.

Places

There are thousands of places you could go to in India, and some of them are even interesting to go to.

The Taj Mahal: This is well-known around the world as one of the most hyper-hyped tourist places of all time. Most foreign tourists seem to think that it is a mosque, but they are wrong (bloody typical, isn't it!). It is a tomb, built to bury a queen. After she died of course, they weren't barbarians or anything. Her husband thought it would be a cool idea to have a massive erection for his dead wife, which is pretty perverted, if you ask me. I mean, the old bag was dead, for chrissakes. Anyway, different strokes for different folks.

The Red Fort: Well, it is a fort, and um... it is kind of red, but I guess you expected that anyway. It is located in Old Delhi, to which I guess you can go from New Delhi by doing some nifty time-travel. Heh heh, no actually that's just a joke and you are supposed to laugh now. Thanks. You don't need a time-machine, you can just take a taxi.

Corbett National Park: Basically a jungle, but we figure you would pay good money to go stay there (and get out of our hair for a while) if we told you that you could see some tigers there. Kind of ironic, since Corbett was known for killing tigers. Sort of like starting up a chain of Kosher Deli's named after that Hitler bloke.

Khajuraho: A bunch of dilapidated temples in the middle of nowhere, but it just goes to show you how far people would go as long as there was some sex involved. You can think of it as Debbie Does Dallas in stone. Statues of men and women (and assorted barnyard animals) indulging in sexual acts which, aside from some of them being illegal under existing Indian laws, can be best described as falling into the "Can you really do that" category. A source of inspiration to young honeymooners and middle-aged foreign tourists alike, and a source of rich livelihood to local orthopaedic surgeons and emergency paramedics.

Kashmir: Snow-capped mountains, serene lakes, quaint ageless traditions, and beautiful valleys which are filled with the sounds of staccato gunfire. Stroll through centuries old marketplaces, touch lovingly handcrafted local ware, and witness a real-life kidnapping by local terrorists, or get caught in an exciting cross-fire between the army and the terrorists. Look up at the clear blue skies at just the right moment (timing is everything) and you may see a rocket bomb arcing gracefully through the air. Unparalleled scenic beauty and violent armed civil unrest, a combination you would be hard pressed to find elsewhere in the world.

Rajasthan: Desert, mostly, but the kings built palaces there with a keen eye on the twentieth century tourist industry. They also have an annual camel-trading show, where a lot of tourists like to get into the way of local camel traders trying to run their business. Still, if sand turns you on, you'll find plenty of it here.

Other Stuff: Not to be outdone, there are hundreds of places with really no inherent tourist appeal which would love to have you visit them and support the local skin-the-tourist industry.

Languages

English is spoken widely, but understood somewhat less widely. Exceptions are regions such as Assam (see above) and Kashmir, where the locals, presumably disenchanted with the peculiarities of English grammar, have made creative use of alternative ways to express themselves.

Sometimes you may come across signs which seem to be English, but make no sense anyway... Such as: "Xerox photocopy done in Telugu, Kannada and English." or: "Limca - The zero bacteria drink"

There are several hundred local languages, none of which you have any hope of understanding, so let us just forget that for now.

Politics

India follows a parliamentary democratic form of government, in which the people get together every five years and decide which party they hate the least, and this party gets to rule until the people find a party they hate even less. In this respect, India is just like any other democracy. The losing party usually vanishes, breaks up, merges with the winning party, figures out which ideology would get them the most votes and reconvenes with a different name in time for the next election.

Sports

The most popular sport is cricket, which the Indians picked up from the British. The Pommie bastards have been looking for it ever since, with little success, heh heh. There are several versions, such as "tennis ball cricket", "street cricket", "hostel corridor cricket", "half pitch cricket", "one day cricket" and "that's not cricket". The fundamental rules are common across these various forms.

- There are two sides, one out in the field and one in. - Each man that's in the side that's in goes out and when he's out he comes back in and the next man goes in, (that is out) until he's out at which point he comes in.
- When all the men in the side that's in are out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in out.
- Sometimes you get men still in and not out! When both sides have been in and out including the not outs, that's the end of the game. Unless the game is washed out, in which case no one gets to go in, but everyone stays inside and no one gets out.
- The bowling takes place in overs, in which the bowler can hurl the ball as fast as he can at the wicket to get the batsman out, and the batsman who is in tries to hit the ball as hard as he can. They seem to enjoy this sort of thing, though no one knows how the ball feels about it all.
- An over lasts six balls, after which the over is over, unless it is Australian, when there are two more balls before the over is really over.

Each match takes five days. It takes this long because they need time to figure out who is in, i.e. out, and who is out, i.e. in, and who is not out, but not yet in. There are one-day matches, which oddly are usually played at night these days (which may make you wonder why they don't call them one-night matches), in which everyone is in a hurry to get in and stay out.

Hockey, basketball and soccer also claim that they are popular, but only among the people who play them. These people like these sports when there is no cricket to watch.


Funny!
Q.  Why do indian women wear red dots on their foreheads?   
A.      Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery
        skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot.
        In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives.
        You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the
target....
 
Q.  You're from India?  I have read so much about the country.  All
    the wonderful places, the forests, the snake charmers, the elephants.
    Do you still use elephants for transportation?
A.      Absolutely.  In fact we used to have our own elephant in our
        house.  But later, we started participating in elephant-ride
        sharing schemes with our neighbors, to save the air.  You see
        elephants have an "emissions" problem.....
 
Q.  Does India have cars?
A.      No.  We ride elephants to work.  The government is trying to
        encourage ride-sharing schemes.
 
Q.  Does India have TV?
A.      No.  We only have cable.
 
Q.  Are all Indians vegetarian?
A.      Yes.  Even tigers are vegetarian in India.
 
Q.  How come you speak English so well?
A.      You see when the British were ruling India,they employed Indians
        as servants.  It took too long for the Indians to learn English.
        So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused
        their servants' babies with it and since then
        all babies born are born speaking English.
 
Q.  Are you a Hindi?
A.      Yes.  I am spoken everyday in Northern India.
 
Q.  Do you speak Hindu?
A.      Yes,  I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity.
 
Q.  Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt?
A.      Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would
        let me go to school.
 
Q.  India is very hot, isn't it?
A.      It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.
        That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
 
Q.  India is very hot, isn't it?
A.      It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously.
        That is why tea is such a popular drink in India.
 
Q.  Are there any business companies in India?
A.      No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of 
self-sufficiency. 
 
 
        We all make our own clothes and grow our own food.  That is why
        you see all these thin skinny Indians -- it is is a lot of hard
        work.
 
Q. Indians cannot eat beef, huh?
A.      Cows provide milk which is a very essential part of Indian diet.
        So eating cows is forbidden.  However in order to decrease the
        population of the country, the government is trying to encourage
        everyone to eat human meat.
 
Q.  India is such a religious place.  Do you meditate regularly?
A.      Yes, sometimes I meditate for weeks without food and drink.  But
        it is difficult to keep my job, because I have to miss work
        when I meditate like that.  But the bosses there do the same thing.
        That is why things are so inefficient there.
 
Q.  I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that?
A.      We don't have shoes.  So we burn the botton of our feet to make it
        hard so that we can walk.
 
Q.  Why do you sometimes wear Indian clothes to work?
A.      I prefer it to coming naked.
 
Q.  How do you celebrate Thanksgiving in India?
A.      By roasting an American...

Funny!

Ram and Shyam were sitting in the waiting room of the Airport. 'I've come to meet my brother,' said the Ram.  'He's due to fly in from America in an hour's time. It's his first trip home in forty years'.

'Will you be able to recognize him?' asked the Shyam.

'I'm sure I won't,' said the Ram, 'after all, he's been away for a long time'.

'I wonder if he'll recognize you?' said the Shyam.

'Of course he will,' said the Ram. 'I haven't been away at all!'


Funny!

An American, a Pakistani and an Indian are travelling in plane when there is an emergency and everyone has to jump off. The American gets hold of a parachute and jumps. Since there is a shortage of parachutes, the Pakistani opens up his turban and jumps holding on to it with both hands as a parachute.The Indian can't lay hands on anything and he just jumps without anything. After a few seconds of falling at high speeds he passes the Pakistani. The Pakistani gets pretty angry watching him and shouts, "So you're trying to race me?" and lets go of his turban!


Funny!

Recently a worldwide survey was conducted by U.N. The question asked was: 'Would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in the rest of the world?'.

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what 'food' meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what 'shortage' meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what 'opinion' meant.

In South America they didn't know what 'please' meant.

And in U.S. they didn't know what 'the rest of the world' meant.


Funny!

A Japanese traveller wanted to visit India. He reached the airport & hailed a taxi. The taxt driver was from Calcutta.The Japanese said: Your taxi goes very slow. Japanese taxi goes very fast. Your buses are very slow. Japanese buses are very fast.'What!!!!' yelled the Japanese at the end of the journey, 'your meter goes very fast!''Yes, sir', said the taxi driver, 'it is made in Japan!'


Funny!

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?" "Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk. "That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then teasingly held it out. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.


Funny!

Once all sardars get disgusted about the large number of jokes that are cracked about them and so they come together in an auditorium to prove to the world that aren't that silly after all. They call upon one sardar and ask him, "What is 10 plus 10?"After thinking for some time sardarji replies, "25!"The officials to whom they want to prove get disgusted but thousands of sardars in the auditorium start shouting, "Give him another chance!"So the officials ask him again, "What is 5 plus 5?"The sardar replies after thinking for awhile, "30!"Again there's shouting from the audience, "Give him another chance!"Another question is posed, "What is 2 plus 2?"The sardarji replies after much thought, "4!"Again the voice of thousands shouts, "Give him another chance!!!!"


Funny!

The plane had just taken off from Mumbai when Santa Singh got-up from his seat, sneaked into the cockpit and placed a revolver on the pilot's neck.Santa shouts at the pilot: Take this plane to Delhi!!Pilot replies with surprise: What's wrong with you? This plane is going to Delhi anyway...Santa: These days so many planes are being high-jacked and taken to different destinations! I don't want to take a risk!


Funny!

Sardars Hari Singh and Gani Singh walked towards each other on a country road. Hari Singh carried a burlap bag over his shoulder.

"Hey Bhai," Gani Singh drawled, "What's in the bag?"
"Chickens," replied Hari Singh.

"If I guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?" offered Gani Singh.

"Sure, you can have both of them!", Hari replied.
"OK, Five?"


Funny!

A young man asked an old rich man how he made all his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1967 and we were living in tough times. I was down to my last Paise. I invested that in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for fifty Paise.""The next morning, I invested that fifty paise in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them in the evening for 1 Rupee. I continued this for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of ten Rupees."Then my wife's father died and left us One Crore Rupees."


Funny!

Santa Singh is in Delhi. He is walking on a street which has a Clock Tower. Wwhen someone asks him if he wants to buy the clock on the Tower Santa Singh says, "Yes!"
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder to pull down the clock." The man took the thousand and disappeared. Having waited for several hours Santa Singh figured he was taken.
On the next day the Santa Singh is again walking along the same street and the same man asks him to buy the clock.
"Give me a thousand rupees and I'll go get a ladder to pull down the clock." Santa Singh gives him the thousand and says, "I am not a fool. This time, you wait and I'll go get a ladder."


Funny!

Santa Singh had his 4th child. He fills the data in the birth-certificate:

Mother: Sikh.

Father: Sikh.

Baby: Chinese.

"How come you're writing 'Chinese' when both parents are Sikh?", asks the doctor.

Santa Singh replies, "I have read in a newspaper, that every 4th person born on the earth now is Chinese."


Funny!

Joy Bose was going by train from Delhi to Howrah. He kept getting off at every station to buy a ticket till the next station. When the train reached Delhi, the Bose's co-passengers asked him why he kept buying separate tickets instead of buying a ticket for the entire journey. Bose replied: Doctor said, that I should aware of too long trips. I bought tickets at every station to make some short journeys.


Funny!

What is marriage?

  1. Marriage is a gamble. You start with a pair. He shows a diamond. She shows a heart. Her father has a club. His father has a spade. There's usually a joker around somewhere, but after a while he becomes a king and she becomes a queen. Then they end up with a full house.
  2. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
  3. At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
  4. Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is really finished.
  5. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his bachelor's degree and the woman gets her master's.
  6. A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it."
  7. Young Son: Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in most countries, son.
  8. Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late.
  9. A happy marriage is a matter of give and take; the husband gives and the wife takes.
  10. When a newly married man looks happy we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy - we wonder why.
  11. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.
  12. After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
  13. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job, he still ends up with the same boss.
  14. A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted". Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."
  15. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.
  16. A perfect wife is one who helps the husband with the dishes.
  17. A woman was telling her friend , "It is I who made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him." Asked the friend.The woman replied, "A multimillionaire".

Funny!

Place for your joke!




 
 


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